Affairs and marital infidelity are tough topics to talk about. We aren’t certified professionals, so we always recommend seeing a licensed counselor or therapist if you’re going through an affair or a significant breach of trust in your relationship. Getting professional help allows you to find the healing you need during that rough time and learn some tools and techniques to move forward in a healthy way.
One of the best reasons to seek professional help from a marriage counselor or a therapist is the counseling techniques they use to help you. These tools are helpful in finding reconciliation with your spouse or partner, learning what set the groundwork for the affair, and identifying the steps to take toward healing. Again, we aren’t counseling professionals, but we would like to show you the kinds of questions relationship therapists will ask people who find themselves in the midst of infidelity and unfaithful partners.
We hope that sharing these counseling strategies and techniques will bring awareness to the resources out there that can help you. Dealing with the fallout of an affair can be a bumpy road, and counseling is an excellent place to start if you are looking to mend fences. Keep in mind that we’re painting in broad strokes; you must see a professional counselor to learn the finer details of these concepts and practices.
Why Did the Affair Happen?
In the aftermath of a breach of trust, many counselors or therapists will ask why the affair happened in the first place. It’s paramount that this be addressed; you need to know what happened to learn the proper steps forward. Learning the “whys” of the affair helps you understand where things went wrong and teaches us about human behavior in general.
Affairs can be nuanced, and there are many reasons why they happen, though you could point to many common themes with problems in the relationship. Sexual boredom may have been the catalyst for the affair. Getting words of affirmation or affection from someone else is another common source. Or, more seriously, your partner may be falling out of love with you. The sooner you can figure out why the affair happened, the sooner you can discover steps to moving past it.
If you’re in a situation where you and your partner realize you want to stay together, heal, and move past the affair, getting to the root of the problem allows you to identify possible warning signs of trouble in the future and learn the proactive steps to ensure that your partner is satisfied physically and emotionally. Understanding the cause allows you to change your behavior so things don’t get out of hand in the future when you or your spouse feel you can find fulfillment with someone else.
Getting the Whole Story
You know the whole story if you’re the spouse or partner who has cheated. You know what led to the affair (honestly, there’s a good chance your spouse will see the reason, too) and what transpired. Your partner might have already known there was a problem and can probably make some assumptions, piecing together a rough story, but they’ll never know what happened until you tell them.
If you’re the partner who cheated, you owe it to yourself and your spouse to be honest about what happened, laying out the entire story so you’re not dealing with any more secrets. You should be willing to answer questions about the affair honestly and come completely clean with your partner about everything.
But how much should you share, though? It’s a great question, and our stance is that you should share the significant key details but avoid some of the more explicit aspects if you feel it will hurt your partner or spouse. It depends. You can always ask how much they’d be comfortable knowing. The idea is to take steps toward honesty and transparency as you rebuild the relationship. Long-term, it’s about healing and resolution.
Don’t Be Too Proud to Say Sorry
A famous saying goes, “It takes two to tango.” It might be a controversial opinion to take, but an affair is not just one partner’s fault. Something wrong in the relationship or marriage led the other partner to look for sexual action, affection, validation, or companionship elsewhere.
In some cases, it can be easy to paint the unfaithful partner as the villain or even the victim. The temptation to assign blame solely to one partner is high, but the fact is that there was something wrong in the relationship that either spouse wasn’t properly addressing. The responsibility is rarely portioned out 50/50, but the “victim” spouse bears part of the blame for what happened.
No matter what side of the marriage or partnership you are on when the affair happens, never be too proud to say sorry to your spouse or partner, even if you were the one who got cheated on. It’s easier for the unfaithful partner to say sorry and ask for forgiveness; the “victim” partner might feel like they have nothing to apologize for. But the “victim” partner acknowledging their role in what went wrong (whenever they may be) will do wonders in mending the bonds and the hurt in the relationship.
Acknowledge How the Affair Has Impacted You
Be brutally honest about the impact the affair has had on you. And this is more for you than it is for your partner or spouse. The more open you can be with yourself about the emotional and psychological effects the affair has had, the better off you’ll be discussing these matters with the counselors or the therapists. They can give you the tools you need to navigate the waters.
But this also benefits your partner or spouse too. The more honest you can be with them about your feelings, be it regret, guilt, shame, or frustration, the more understood you’ll be. It can help the healing process when both people know where each other is in their minds and hearts.
Choosing a Path of Healing
Establish with your partner what your plans should be going forward. Is your marriage or relationship worth saving? Or is this a thing where someone has fallen in love with someone else, and the relationship is over? As you go through healing with your partner, ask these questions and decide what your overall course of action should be going forward with life.
If you’re looking to stay together with your spouse, it’s probably key to get into some couples counseling to guide you through the affair’s aftermath. You’re doing the higher thing trying to work through things with your spouse, but you can expect it to be hard work, learning to trust one another again, or trying to meet new emotional or physical needs.
Maybe the answer is divorce if things are irreconcilable. As much as we hate divorce, sometimes it’s the only suitable option for two people who have fallen out of love or are miserable with one another.
Healing Can Take Time
Healing from an affair takes time (many experts conservatively estimate the process can take anywhere from six months to an entire year), so don’t expect to see the changes you want to see right away. Both partners need time to process what happened, heal, and take steps to move forward.
If both parties are willing to stay together, you have one partner getting over the hurt of being cheated on and understanding why their partner or spouse strayed. On the other side, you have an unfaithful partner, possibly dealing with a lot of guilt, and have a long road ahead to rebuilding trust with your partner.
Don’t expect things to change over time; be okay with the healing process taking time. Affairs and infidelity are a big deal, so you can’t expect either person to be or act a certain way with the flip of the switch. Unfortunately, many spouses and partners hold resentment for years.
Closing Thoughts
If you’re someone caught up amid an affair or unfaithful partner, we’re so sorry, but we hope that some of the counseling techniques we’ve mentioned here have inspired you and your partner to see a licensed counselor or therapist to work things out. Rebuilding trust after a betrayal is hard work, and you want the professionals at your side guiding you through the reconciliation process with your spouse. Healing can take time, but it’s possible.
If the hurt is brand new, try to get the entire story from your spouse (or share the story), discuss what led to the affair, and decide where you want the relationship to go. As frustrating and hurtful as this time can be, be honest with your feelings, treat your spouse with honor and respect, and act with love and humility (as crazy as that may sound). Be quick to acknowledge your role in what happened, and don’t be too proud to say sorry.
