Greetings, lovebirds! Are you tired of feeling like your love life is lost in translation? Do you feel you’re speaking different languages to your potential partner? Fear not, because today, we’re diving into the world of love languages and how they can help you communicate effectively at every stage of your relationship.
If you’ve been in a relationship at any point in the last decade, you’ve probably vented to a friend about an argument, and at some point, they may have asked you: well, what are your love languages? And as they describe it, you can’t help but groan. As if that’s the answer to all of your problems as if this will solve your lack of communication, as if…well, hmmm, this actually sounds kind of interesting.
So, what are love languages, you ask? Well, think of them as your personal love dictionary–the unique way you express love and feel loved by others.
And if you’re not speaking the same love language as your potential partner, you might as well be speaking gibberish. But fear not, dear friend. Sit back and relax because I’m here to help you decode the language of love.
The Basics of Love Languages
Love languages were introduced by Dr. Gary Chapman in his 1992 book “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.” Chapman, a relationship counselor, and author, observed that people express and receive love in different ways, and he identified five love languages that individuals use to communicate affection: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch.
While Chapman’s work is not based on scientific research, it has been widely embraced by both the public and mental health professionals as a useful framework for understanding and improving romantic relationships. So, if you’re wondering why your partner values quality time over gifts or why words of affirmation make you feel most loved, the science of love languages can provide some insight into how our brains and emotions work.
Each love language has its own unique way of expressing and receiving love, and understanding these differences can be a game-changer in dating. Just like how you might prefer a certain type of coffee or pizza, you also have a preferred love language. And if you can identify that, you’ll be one step closer to finding your perfect match. So let’s explore the five types of love languages before we dive into how to make this work in your life.
Words of Affirmation
Your partner smiles at you as you walk into the kitchen. “You look great today.” “I really love how you help me around the house. “You’re so pretty.” Words of Affirmation involve expressing love and appreciation through words of encouragement, appreciation, and affirmation. People with this love language value verbal compliments, positive feedback, and kind words.
Quality time
Your partner set up date night: A projector outside is playing your favorite horror movie as you and your beau cuddle up on some blankets and eat popcorn. Quality time is all about spending meaningful time with your partner and giving them undivided attention. You shut off your phone. You give them your full attention. And you bask in each other’s company. People with this love language value shared experiences, deep conversations, and quality time spent together.
Acts of Service
Every Thursday, your partner has eight hours of grad school, followed immediately by eight hours of work. They usually arrive home exhausted, starving, and ready to do nothing but sit on the couch and decompress. So what do you do? You clean up the house before they get home, make their favorite meal, throw out the trash, walk the dog, and have a glass of their favorite wine sitting for them on the couch when they walk in the door.
Acts of service involve doing things for your partner that make their life easier or more comfortable. People with this love language value acts of kindness, helpfulness, and support.
Gifts
This love language doesn’t have to be extravagant presents like diamonds or a new Range Rover. It might be as simple as a bouquet of red roses, your half of dinner paid for, or a new cat tower for your beloved felines. This love language involves expressing love through thoughtful gifts and gestures. It’s less about the object and more about what it means to the person receiving it. People with gifts as a love language value the effort and thought behind the gift rather than the actual gift itself.
Physical Touch
Even if you’re in a crowd of people, your partner will reach out and touch your hand to let you know they’re by you. Maybe it’s a kiss on the lips, a hug every morning, or perhaps it’s a showy display of public affection, their arm always draped over yours. Or maybe it’s as subtle as holding hands. People with this love language value physical contact, affection, and touch as a way of feeling loved and appreciated.
So which love language are you?
Identifying Your Love Language
Now that you know the five types of love languages, it’s time to figure out which one belongs to you. Knowing your own love language will make your dating journey that much easier. It can help you set boundaries, better understand your own emotional needs, and learn how to communicate them to potential partners.
That’s perfectly okay! However, usually, there is one that sits above the rest.
There are a handful of free tests you can find online that can you help you figure out which love language is yours, but you can probably ask yourself these questions without even going online. I’ll give you a few so you can see what I mean.
Which of the Following Would Be the Most Romantic or Meaningful Way for Your Partner to Show They Love You?
Sitting down to talk with your partner about your fears, dreams, and wishes
A quiet night in with my beau, watching movies or cuddling on the couch
Your partner surprises you by cleaning the house, cooking dinner, and taking out the trash.
A night out at a fancy restaurant or a fun concert, either full of surprise gifts or where you don’t have to foot the bill
A date that, regardless of where it takes place, is full of affection and physical touch
You can probably see a correlation between these answers and the list of love languages above. And yeah, you may lean toward more than one, but remember, love languages aren’t just about how you like to receive love. It’s also about how you like to give love.
So Consider This Next Question: How Do You Typically Express Your Love or Affection?
Writing your partner a letter about what you love about them, giving them compliments, or asking them about their day, their fears, or their dreams
Spending one on one with just them, where you shut off your phone and give them all your attention
Cooking them dinner, buying groceries, cleaning the house, or taking care of the kids and pets to ease some of their stress
Buying them that present they’ve been dying to have or taking them on a fun date night, where you foot the bill.
Doing all those kissy kissy things they like that will make them feel extra nice.
You’ll probably find that your answer to this question is like the one above, and if you’re still unsure, I’d recommend taking one of those tests online. So assuming you’ve now figured out your love language, that’s only half the fun. Now it’s time to figure out where your partner stands.
Understanding Your Partner’s Love Language
Without understanding each other’s love languages, it can be easy for miscommunications and misunderstandings to occur.
Let’s be honest; trying to figure out your partner’s love language can sometimes feel like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube blindfolded, especially if you’re still in the early stages of this bond and you haven’t said that special L word to each other yet. Or maybe you’re just unsure how to ask them a question that may strike out as a little too serious: how do you like to receive love?
But once you’ve cracked this code, you’ll be able to communicate with them in a way that makes them feel loved and appreciated, like a wizard who finally mastered that tricky spell they’ve been working on for ages.
Sure, you can ask them directly, or if they don’t know, give them the online test or even ask them those questions listed above. Or, you can just pay attention to how they behave. While love languages were created for romantic partners, the theory works for friends too.
- Are they someone who will get their friend medicine when they’re sick? Then they probably lean toward acts of service.
- Or are they skilled listeners who love to give advice? Words of affirmation it is.
- Maybe they’re big huggers. Yep, you guessed it: physical touch.
- When you’re in a crowded room with them, do you often feel like no one else is around like you have their full attention and you’re the only person there? Then quality time is their language, my friend.
- How about your birthday or Christmas? Do they always give you the best gifts out of everyone you know? You see where this is going, gift giving. It’s not that complicated!
By speaking their language, so to speak, you’ll be able to show your partner that you truly care about them and are invested in their happiness. It’s like being a love language detective, gathering clues and piecing together the puzzle of your partner’s heart. And once you’ve cracked the code, the sky’s the limit on the possibilities for a happy and fulfilling relationship.
Navigating Differences in Love Languages
So what if you and your love interest have the same love language? Awesome! However, most people have more than one love language they relate to, and it’s likely that you and your partner may share one or three different ones. So how do you navigate differences in love languages between partners?
Let’s face it, sometimes dating someone with a different love language can feel like trying to communicate with a foreign species. You’ve already gotten the hard part out of the way: you know your love language, and you’ve identified your partner’s love language. All that’s left is bridging the gap and finding common ground, like a love language diplomat mediating between two warring factions.
And who knows, maybe you’ll even discover a new appreciation for acts of service or quality time that you never thought you’d be interested in.
In the following examples, I’m going to describe your partner’s love language and assume it’s different from yours, and break down how to approach it. It’s important to remember that compromise is everything here. So while you may work to give attention to your partner’s love language, this is only going to work if they put in the effort to give focus on your preferred mode of communication as well.
First up, let’s look at physical touch. If your partner is someone who expresses love through physical touch, such as hugs, kisses, or holding hands, it’s important to make an effort to give them physical contact when you’re together. This is especially important during arguments when your partner, who loves physical touch, may feel isolated and distant from you.
Next, let’s talk quality time. If your partner is someone who values quality time, but you much prefer going out in group outings, you’ll need to make an effort to uncover exactly what your partner is seeking in their quality time with you. Do they want meaningful conversations, or do they want a spontaneous adventure? Do they not care, as long as it’s just the two of you? Do they want you to turn your phone off? For quality time, it’s important to set a foundation of expectations. How often are you going to share this time together? Once a month or more? Clearly communicating your desires, needs, and expectations is the key to making this work.
Now, let’s move on to acts of service. If your partner is someone who expresses love through acts of service, such as cooking a meal, doing the dishes, or running errands, it’s important to make an effort to give back to them in the same way they do this to you. Remember, just because they’re learning your love language, they’re still going to give love in the way they prefer. This is probably most obvious in acts of service. If they cook dinner as a way to show you their love, let them take a night off, and you give it back to them.
On to words of affirmation. If your partner is someone who values words of affirmation, such as compliments, encouragement, or praise, it’s important to make an effort to speak up, even if this is foreign to you. A pro tip? If you’re unsure when to give your loved one words of affirmation, pay attention to when they give it to you. It’s a starting step for when to learn the appropriate time to give them verbal signs of affection, and the more you do it, the easier and effortless it will become.
Last but not least, let’s talk about the gift-giving love language. If your partner is someone who expresses love through giving you gifts, such as thoughtful presents or surprises, then gift-giving is their love language. Maybe you don’t know how to out-gift them; maybe an elaborate present is outside your budget—remember, it’s the meaning behind this, the effort. Not what you actually buy them.
In fact, you don’t have to buy everything. I dated someone whose love language was gifts, and for Valentine’s Day, I made a scavenger hunt with different clues that each led to a little prize like a back massage or a home-cooked meal and then ended with movie tickets to his favorite movie. Didn’t cost much, but the effort was more than buying him a fancy watch.
Navigating the differences in love languages doesn’t have to be a static exchange but rather a give and take, a flexible approach to compromise, where you treat them in the way they like to treat you, and vice versa.
Using Love Languages to Build a Lasting Connection
Have you ever wondered why certain words or actions make you feel loved and appreciated, but someone buying you a gift falls flat? Well, now you know why. They just weren’t speaking your language.
It’s like casting a love spell that actually works (but without the creepy potions, frog scales, and incantations in other languages). So, whether your love language is acts of service or physical touch, don’t be afraid to embrace it, attempt to learn your partner’s preferred means of communication, and work together to build a connection, one that lasts.
